To Think We Could Have Had It All
by CandicePaige
Summary: This is the story of Mary Poppins' first assignment BEFORE MOVIE TIME and throughout the fic you'll unravel her past.
1. Chapter 1

_To Think We Could Have Had It All_

**I do not own these characters and I am not making any money off of this.**

Chapter 1

iThis day was dreary, the little ten year old girl thought staring at the rain, hitting the window. London was no fun on days like this and Uncle Albert was busy with his job… whatever it was he did. She didn't know…didn't ask. But he was a funny man that kept her in stitches most of the time.

She heard a knock on the door and turned her attention away from the sliding raindrops, running shakily down the windowpane. It had been coming down since she got up, Uncle Albert said it should stop by the time it got really dark and they should be able to see the stars. She had a feeling that it would last longer. The knocking persisted. She raised a brow, who would be knocking on their door in the middle of a rainy day? She got up from the chair and walked over to the door to pull it open. "One moment please!"

She fiddled with the old locks lining the opening of the door and finally swung it open.

She saw a boy standing there. He was her age, wore a patched shirt and carried a rusty, old, red toolbox. He had dark hair…dark eyes too, he smiled and they sparkled. "Hello," he said.

"…Hello." She stood there with a hand on the door, staring at him. His face was dirty and his shirt and hair were wet but his smile looked warm.

"Oh, Burt, how are you?" Uncle Albert came behind her to welcome the boy into the house. "Burt is here to fix the window that wont open," he told her. She saw the boy called Burt walk into their house when she stepped aside and look back at Uncle Albert and ask where the stuck window was. He showed him to it and she went to sit on the stairs.

She knew she should just go upstairs into her room and close the door until he left but she couldn't. Something about him made her want to stick around. Her hands wrapped around the rails of the staircase and she peered through the gaps as she watched him work. First he went to see how stuck the window was, and then he reached for a screwdriver. She saw him glance over at her and she looked away, hoping that the dark and dreary day would hide her blush. A little hesitant at first, she turned her face to look back at him. He glimpse at her again.

She fought back a shy smile and looked down. She had never had a boy notice her or anybody else for that matter. After all, she was a gangly, skinny, little girl with bad teeth. She didn't find herself attractive at all…she envied all of the other girls and their looks. Cynthia most of all, she was gorgeous, something very unlike herself. She didn't really have any friends at school and mostly kept to herself. Deep down she was very insecure. Always hiding away in this house, in books, trying desperately hard not to be noticed. But he kept taking small peeks at her while he worked. She couldn't bend her mouth out of a smile either, her cheeks hurt. She should leave…walk upstairs.

Finally she stood up and walked down the staircase and rested her hand on the last pole, subconsciously tilting her head a little. What, was there some kind of magnetic pull on her just dragging her towards him or what? He opened the window and closed it again with a satisfied smile on his face. "That should do it," he said getting the dust off his hands. He closed the rusty box and looked up at her. She took a few steps forward and tried to talk.

"Would you… ehm… like some hot chocolate, maybe…?" Did she really just ask him that? She looked away and fiddled with her fingernails. What was wrong with her?

"That would be great."

She looked up almost in shock. Did he really say yes? He was actually staying here…with bher/b! Her ears must be going bad…she was deaf. She had no idea what was going on. That was it.

He saw how big her eyes were. He nodded his head to reassure her that she had, in deed, heard him correctly. He laughed inside as her shocked face turned into a beaming smile, she sure was cute.

"Oh…Okay." She nodded her head and went into the kitchen. Wow. Most of the girls fancied him and his likable charm but this girl, she was something. Burt had always been a popular kid around school, he was everybody's friend. People enjoyed his company and he enjoyed people. He'd seen her around though. Not too often but he noticed her. She didn't seem to have too many friends or seem to want them. Maybe she did…if she did she didn't show it. Sure, she was not as outgoing as Sybil or as forward as Prudence but she certainly had an air about her that was just…something. Something he couldn't put his finger on. But he liked her.

Burt had always been dirt poor. In fact, he was an orphan but lucky enough not to have to live in London's orphanage. Ms. Patrick, an old widow who had no children of her own, housed him and a few others since he was five years old. She sure was a nice lady but when it came to feeding all those mouths, paying the bills and everything else…sometimes they just fell short a little. But he'd never complain. Why he was the luckiest boy in the world as far as he was concerned.

He set the toolbox on the windowsill and looked back at the doorway, just in time to see her bright blue eyes behind their mugs that she was carrying on a tray. She smiled as she set them down on the coffee table and handed him one.

"Wow, thanks," he said as they sat down. The warm liquid felt good on his throat. He looked over to see her studying him but once he did, she instantly looked down at her cup. He smiled warmly. "What's your name?"

She looked up at him with her eyes gleaming through the dullness of the afternoon. "Mary," she answered. "Mary Poppins." /i

"Mary Poppins…Mary Poppins? You killed her," the blonde haired girl shouted at her brother in shock and horror as they observed their lifeless nanny.

"I did not! This is all your fault!" He retorted the statement loudly back at her, defending himself. She was the one who had wanted to go downstairs to get their checkers game and bring it up to the nursery. And now she was blaming him for their nanny dying whilst they were down there!

"Nuh uh! If you hadn't been so slow…"

She blinked her eyes a few times as everything began to come into focus. This was exactly what she didn't need, her first assignment and she was already dreaming about him for goodness sakes! Her eyes were deserts and she couldn't swallow as his face hung in her mind. This wasn't good, she began to panic slightly and her heart beat increased slightly. This was exactly why sentiment ruined everything! She needed to stick to the rules or she would never get through this.

She sat up, how could she have fallen asleep in the five minutes they were gone, anyway! She was frustrating herself already and she'd barely been there for twenty four hours. "How ridiculous, I am most certainly alive, thank you. And it's time for children whom are going on an outing tomorrow to get their rest. Come along, spit spot."

"Oh, but Mary Poppins, we didn't even get to play our game yet! Please, Mary Poppins, please," Susan begged with her big eyes shining in the light of their nursery.

She gave her a small smile and handed her, her dressing gown. She'd always wanted a little girl…but that was quite impossible as they both knew.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

"Come along now, David. We want to be able to visit the park before it begins to rain, don't we," she told the small boy as she helped him into his jacket. She knew that it would rain sooner or later; hopefully they could get a good trip in before then, enough time to play a game…or maybe run into an old friend… Oh, she could just kick herself. She wanted these thoughts to stop but somehow she let them continue. It would only make things worse if they actually did run into each other. It would surely be a disastrous experience for the both of them. Although…maybe not.

He was in the back of her mind the entire time she was getting the children ready. Would he even want to see him again after what she'd done? She hoped so, if he didn't she'd probably fall to pieces and most certainly be summoned back. Something she couldn't afford to have that happen. Hopefully he would be glad to see her. She would be glad to see him; she thought so, at least.

She only hoped that whatever memories struck her at the sight of his face wouldn't make her fall apart so easily. No, she would be able to handle it with grace and ease if she just remembered her training. It wasn't the best day for an outing but something was pushing her to do it. Everything would be just fine, right?

iThe rusty swings creaked as she went back in forth, her dress swaying in the spring breeze around her. The swings were her favorite of all things on the playground. She could fly and no one could judge her on the fluffy clouds above. She was just Mary. Just Marry Poppins.

She often wished she could have clouds painted up on her walls but she would never ask such a silly thing of her Uncle. After all, he was kind enough to let her stay with him at all. He was good to her.

Even though she was extremely grateful for uncle Albert, she sometimes couldn't help wondering why her parents never came back or who she was supposed to be…why she was even here. Her insecurities didn't help either. She had no real friends to speak of and the teachers didn't pay much attention to her either as she always sat quietly in the back corner desk of the classroom. She didn't ever remember being noticed…well except that once but she was just being ridiculous, she was sure.

"Of course they do," he explained to the crowd. "Everybody in Egypt walks like that, just look at the little pictures they draw on the walls."

"Have you really been to Egypt, Burt," Pricilla asked, her eyelashes batting away.

"You betcha I have and you know what else -" he stopped in mid sentence, everyone looking at him eagerly to finish his story. Burt always told wild stories of all his "adventures" to the girls and his friends. If they would listen he would tell, true or not but today something caught his eye.

"Hold on just a second," he said stepping through them as they parted. He crossed the playground over to the swings. "Hello," he said, leaning against the poll.

She put her feet on the ground and stopped herself. Oh, goodness, it was Burt. What was he doing talking to her… again? He should be over there with his friends shouldn't he? Why'd he come back to talk to her? All kinds of questions raced through her mind as she watched the boy leaning again the poll of the swings observing her.

"Hello, Burt," she settled with in reply. He noticed her twice…She shouldn't get her hopes up but she supposed he seemed mildly interested in her.

"Burt! Come back! You never finished!" All the other kids were yelling for Burt to come back and finish his story. Why was he over there anyway?

"I'm comin," he yelled back at them still leaning on the poll but he look a little frustrated as the crowd continued to call him from across the ground. He looked back to her and smiled. "Mary…could I walk you home from school…?" /i

"Mary… what're you doin' here?" He still looked the same. Just like she remembered. It seemed as if not a day had passed since May 1st, four years ago. She instantly blocked that memory. It hid in the deepest corners of her mind and she rarely let it out for pondering upon. It was too painful to revisit. It hid in the necklace he gave her for her fifteenth birthday, in the sunsets, in that envelope she had saved, why she would never know, and mostly in the rain drops falling from the clouds…

She needed to breath, her heart was pounding too hard for her to deny herself of oxygen. He repeated the question but she vaguely registered her lack of response. She took his presence in for another moment before waking up and answering. "I'm here on assignment," she told him glancing over at David and Susan as a gesture to why. She smiled slightly, hoping it might make this a little less awkward or maybe it was hurtful, she couldn't tell just yet.

"So, you're really doing it then, the children, I mean?" He looked almost pained to see her there standing in front of him. She guessed that he too had shoved their memory aside and had never expected to see her again but there she was, plain as day. Oh, no…he'd never forgotten her but he had moved on. That was quite clear.

"Yes, yes I am." She couldn't keep her curiosity hidden. After all, she would be entitled to know what he'd been doing since then, right? "What about yourself?" She hoped that he had been taking care of himself. The last thing she wanted was to find that he hadn't doing well since she'd left. It would only depress her if she'd found that she'd caused him to fall into some sort of depression. After all, in a few years she would be able to return…if all went well.

"Well, I been takin' care." He didn't know if he should tell her but he supposed she did have some sort of right to know. Or at least he could do her the courtesy of notifying her. It's not as if it would be too big of a deal in the end anyway. They had both moved on, just because she had moved on first didn't mean that he couldn't. "You know, got a house… engaged…"

What! He was engaged! To who? It should have been her…No, no it shouldn't have! What was she saying? It shouldn't have been her, at least not yet, anyway. At his words she thought that she was going to be sick. Her stomach was twisting itself in everyway possible and she would surely pass out. She couldn't process it, everything was starting to go in and out of focus. She looked around for a moment. She couldn't be here right now. Not with him standing there, studying her reaction to his words. As if it didn't affect her.

"Ehm…Burt, I'm sorry – but I…I really must be going." As she collected the children and began to walk back, rain began to fall. She didn't dare look back.

The clouds were relentless throughout the rest of the day and Burt's emotions were doing nothing but the same. That moment kept reeling over and over again in his mind. That one moment, when he told her that he was engaged, everything changed for the both of them. She knew that she couldn't have expected him to waste his life away just because she'd left but what she didn't know was that that didn't mean he didn't still love her. And he knew within that instant that she still loved him but what he didn't know was that she never stopped. He also didn't know that just as he turned around, she had lost control over her gag reflexes, scaring the children half to death.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

"Well, I don't care what my parents say, we'll be perfect together…" She came from a wealthy family and her parents didn't much approve of her marrying a man like Burt. He didn't have a steady job, never live the same day twice, which was his philosophy. Upon mention, her father said that this philosophy wouldn't pay the bills.

"…right," he muttered looking out at the rain still coming down. He wasn't taking in anything she was saying, sure he heard it but he wasn't focused on it. His thoughts were on a rampage, darting every which way imaginable.

"Burt, are you alright?"

He ripped his attention away from the shaky precipitation making its way down his windowpane. "What?" His eyes were wide but looked either exhausted or preoccupied. Which ever the two it was, Pricilla didn't like.

"Are you alright? You seem awfully worried about something. Is there anything you want to talk about?"

He took in a deep breath, looking back out upon the gray day that sat before him. "Naw, I'm fine. Just tired, I expect." He didn't understand how she could have done it, he never understood it. How she could possibly choose to go off into PP…-whatever it was. He just never understood her choice. Why she would rather be doing that when they could have had it all. They could've had it all.

How could she have been unhappy? He thought he knew everything about her, he never saw it coming. That day was one of the worst memories he owned but it never stopped him from loving her. He moved on, he couldn't wait around for her if she didn't want to be with him.

"Alright then, if you're sure," she said unconvinced but not wanting to push him any further. She bent down and gave him a kiss on the forehead. "Bye…"

He was vaguely aware of her departure. He looked around at his room and then at his life. They both seemed abandoned and empty without her. The thing that bothered him the most was the question of whether she loved him. He had never questioned their love before that day. They were supposed to have gone the distance but apparently she had other plans. That's what ate him alive from the inside out. He'd always thought that they were just perfect, too perfect. He understood her and he understood how insecure she was about herself and her powers but he wasn't going to judge her. She knew that. Didn't she? Who cared what the rest of the world thought? They would've been happy…wouldn't they?

That night he surrounded himself with memories of what they once had. How they once were before things got too complicated. Way back, when they were happy…

iHer teeth had miraculously been straightening on their own, which he found a little odd but when he was with Mary, everything seemed to work like magic. Her perfect teeth only increased her beauty though, he'd always thought she was beautiful. From the moment he met her. He turned to her, squinting as the sun blared in his eyes. "Do you remember?"

"Remember what," she asked, directing her attention away from the rippling rings forming in the pond from the last pebble she had thrown. She played with the next one between her finger tips, rolling it back and forth. Her dark locks, all curled and dancing on her shoulders as the afternoon sun began to set.

"The day we met…" he said smiling at the memory. From that day on they had become inseparable. Each day Burt would walk home with Mary and they would do their homework together and afterwards they liked to go to the park. It had become a routine, everyday and on the weekends they'd go for ice cream or go on long walks. They'd learned a lot about each other. Burt learned that Mary had been brought to live with her uncle Albert when she was five, her parents saying that they would be back in a month or two once they had enough money to make sure she was well taken care of. They never came back. Burt figured that this was one of the problems that led to the many faults she found within herself. She never felt like she was good enough, always just falling short. Burt had been trying his hardest to convince her that she deserved the tower of London and Buckingham Palace. She was one of the realest people he'd ever met, once he broke the shell. She was gorgeous inside and out and she didn't even know it nor did she have a big head about it like most of the other girls did. She deserved the whole world and more. She would laugh a little but sometimes he wondered if she really understood how much he meant it.

Mary was learning that Burt was more of a free spirit. It was exciting to be with someone who had so little and couldn't care a wink about what anyone thought of him. He went on through life, head held high and she admired him for it. He seemed to admire her too, for what, she couldn't understand. Sure, she wasn't as awkward looking as before, actually she was becoming a little fonder of her appearance. But still, she couldn't understand what he saw in her or why he became interested in her in the first place, for that matter.

But they'd both become new people since them, each bringing out the best in the other. When Mary was with Burt, she was nobody but Mary and when Burt was with Mary he was nobody but Burt. They'd seemed to be the most unlikely of friends in the beginning but with Burt's great sense of adventure and living in the moment and the order, which Mary brought with her everywhere…it seemed to work. Neither could be happier.

"Oh, gosh! I must have seemed so bizarre…" she said laughing at herself. She was so insecure about herself back then… she still was, it just didn't show as much. Her insecurities were something that had to live with everyday and it often kept her from letting people see her, letting her see people. But Burt was different, her insecurities about herself never kept her from him. "And ugly too, I'm sure."

"Naw, Mary..." he paused for a second. Wondering if it was out of line. It was the truth, after all. There was no reason he shouldn't if that was the way he really felt, right? He'd never told any other girl that before though. But, then again, Mary wasn't just any other girl. He shook his head. "Naw, Mary. You were beautiful." Her squinting eyes kept him from seeing her expression and his heart beat fastened a little. Everyone had been talking about it, they just ignored them, there was nothing really going on. Maybe there should be. "You still are, Mary."

There was another pause in which she tried to think of something to say. What was going on? "Do you really think that, Burt," she asked. She knew everyone had been suspicious of their relationship, even herself. Sometimes she found herself wondering if they would ever be something more…She convinced herself that they were nothing more than the best of friends…maybe she was wrong. A cloud moved in front of the sun and he could see the stars dancing in her eyes with a hint of fear.

"Of course, I do," he said looking directly into them. He offered her nothing but honesty in that sentence and she knew it. She was beautiful, inside and out, even if she couldn't see it. They would have to fix that.

That was the first day he ever kissed her. They were fourteen. /i


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

She hugged her small frame, protecting herself against the cold of the room. It was night. The children were in bed. All was taken care of. Only she was left unattended to. Only her feelings were left unresolved. Her body was stiff, she had been lying there for hours, letting mind go free. A mistake, she was sure for without boundaries, without that limit, where she told herself to stop, there were problems. Problems that she couldn't explain, problems she wasn't prepared for but was warned of. Problems that could easily be avoided if she could hide her fee flowing thoughts somewhere, somewhere safe.

How she resented herself and her existence. She and her choices only made her miserable in the end anyway. If only God would just answer her! Why, in God's name, was she even here! She only screwed things up for herself and everyone else. For four years the question burned inside of her, could she have lived with it? Could she have lived with these powers for all eternity? Could she have gone on through her everyday life knowing how different she was from the rest of the world? Could he? Could he have gone through life knowing that he had married someone who would always be so different?

The information she had found out today only made her feel worse about the unanswered questions. What she really wanted, what she really needed was to know that in the end it would all be worth it. The biggest and most important and meaningful question that needed answering: Would it all be worth it in the end? Today this question was answered. The answer was no.

All she had to reassure all these years that she was making the right decision slipped away in slow motion as she threw up in that alley way, once she was out of his sight. Of course, she had scarred the children so badly that she wondered if she would have to take them to a clinic. Luckily, she easily convinced them that it had been something bad that she ate and they asked no further questions. She hated herself for reacting that way, she hated herself for screwing up her first assignment, she hated herself for answering that letter on that day, she hated herself for not telling him the real reason she left, she hated herself for hurting the both of them when he was just going to go out and get married in the end, anyway.

She felt so naïve and deceived by the world. Her only comfort that the both of them, in the end, would be happy was gone. She had nothing now.

iSwoosh/i

Soot filled the air of her little room. Once it all cleared, she got up from her seat on the bed and stared reluctantly at the letter hovering in the fireplace. She glared at it and all it represented: all of her mistakes of the past and future. Just what she needed. She snatched it from its home, knowing where its true alliance lay. She flipped on her light and quickly ripped it open.

iTo Miss Mary Poppins,

The P.P.I.E.W.A. (Practically Perfect In Every Way Administration) is regretfully notifying you that the board is considering the placement of yourself at this time. The P.P.I.E.W.A. is unsure of whether or not you are capable of completing you assignment successfully. We are afraid that you may becoming emotionally involved, which we are sure you know is against policy. The P.P.I.E.W.A. is considering taking you off assignment and sending you back for another year's training. If you do not pull take a course of action, you will most certainly be pulled off the assignment.

The P.P.I.E.W.A. /i

Wonderful, now it would take even longer for her to finish her term. This wasn't supposed to happen. It wasn't part of the plan that she had devised so many years ago that would make them all happy, make it all worth it. Him getting married and her having to go back for a year's more training was not in the equation. Nothing was working out. What if she'd told him? Why hadn't she tell him? If she had told him that after going for the four year's of training and three year's of service, if she had told him that after all that, they would take away her powers and she would be free to live life as a normal person, her powers would be gone…would it have made a difference? No, it wouldn't. They had both wanted something that she wouldn't have allowed herself to do in that condition. Not matter what he would have said.

It had been a selfish move but at that moment in time, she honestly didn't think she could live happily through life looking over her shoulder, making sure that no body found out. This way she could have a normal life, it would just take longer. Once her powers were gone they could have all been happy. He had known how she hated them, he would have understood. If only he hadn't jumped to conclusions, she would have thought to tell him. He would have waited. The could have had it all. What made it even worse was that she still wanted it all. She still wanted to be his and she kicked herself for wanting it now, she shouldn't, she couldn't but she did. One of the hardest things in life: watching someone you love, love someone else.

i She was sixteen. Her dress fell neatly across her knees and she sat in the sitting room chair. This novel wasn't exactly very interesting and all she could think about was going outside but it was a little cloudy. It was probably going to rain. Maybe she could go see Burt…but he was working. Or perhaps she could see if uncle Albert was busy or not but she decide not to. She closed the book that she had been staring blankly at for a half hour and wrinkled her nose as a little dust flew into the air. She sighed – a bored sigh – and carelessly dropped the book on the side table. She looked around for something to do.

Wait…a few moments passed where she could feel her heart beat quicken…was she taller? She looked down, her eyes wide in horror and saw two inches of unoccupied space between herself and the chair. She screamed as she jumped up and grimaced at the chair in terror. Oh, lord, oh god…what was happening to her! She could feel her hands go numb and her neck and face felt as if they were on fire. Her entire body prickled as she looked down at herself in disgust. What was WRONG with her! She was just now beginning to be able to live with herself, getting over the fact that she wasn't faultless and now, now look at her! She was floating two inches in the air! She could now hear her heart in her ears, pulsing, pulsing, pulsing. Her mind couldn't process this.

She felt like crying, anything but she had to get away from this house. She looked around in panic and couldn't breath. Oh, God…had anybody seen her? The thought only made her want to crawl inside a hole and hide from the world forever. She was some kind of freak! She walked towards the stairs and stopped. No being alone with herself would only make things worse…she walked towards the study where uncle Albert would be. No she couldn't talk to him right now. She walked towards the door and stopped again, she was going to fall to pieces, she had nowhere to go. She could feel the lump in her throat and her eyes stung. Wait… Yes she did. She ran to out the door grabbing her coat on the way.

She flew down the street, shrugging her coat on the way there, her shoes hitting the pavement and she ran as fast as she possibly could for two more blocks. It started to rain but she didn't care, it was better that way. Nobody could see her tears. She turned a sharp corner and tore past the bakery and the flower shop, ripping the door open to the grocery store.

His eyebrows instantly moved together as he studied the disaster in the doorway. "Mary, what's wrong?"

She raced into his arms and he held her soaked self tightly. "Burt…I'm so scared."/i

-A few weeks later-

iShe snapped her fingers and a sock flew across her room. Oh, this was ridiculous! She was actually trying to do these things now! But if it could help her clean up her room…well, maybe it wouldn't hurt. She snapped them again and this time she caught the sock and smiled at herself.

These powers could bring her satisfaction and feelings of accomplishment but with those emotions, fear and misplacement came along too. She didn't know how she would ever be able to live a normal life this way. She felt as if she didn't belong anywhere, so she decided that maybe God had made a mistake and put her in the wrong world…the wrong time. But upon mention, Burt told her not to be silly and that God doesn't ever make mistakes. He told her that she should try and develop it…make it something extraordinary because, after all – he explained – she was an extraordinary girl, so why not develop her extraordinary powers, right? Wrong. She was just starting to feel settled, everything was falling into place. Just the other day, Phyllis asked her if she would be marrying Burt. She felt a wave of shivers rise up in her upon the asking of it…they were only seventeen but had been an item for three years now. But then she remembered the event that had occurred, just weeks, earlier and didn't know what to tell her.

She didn't know where she belonged. Sometimes she wished that she could fly off onto her own little cloud, her own world. She often found herself thinking "Why me? Was I not over my awkward period?" All of the haunted insecurities from her past now existed and thrived in her once more and she didn't know if she could live that way forever. She walked over and opened the sock drawer, placing the item in with its other contents.

/iSwoosh!i Soot flew everywhere and spread throughout the room causing her to closer her eyes and wave to smoke away, coughing vigorously. Oh goodness, what in heaven's name was going on! The smoke and soot eventually cleared and she looked to the fireplace, gasping in horror, curiosity and astonishment. Suspended in midair, in the midst of the fireplace was a letter, waiting for its recipient.

Cautiously she approached it. What was it? Was that what caused the soot to fly everywhere? Her hand extended and she went to touch it, quickly pulling it back. Well, it was real – she wasn't hallucinating. Whether that was good or bad she would not know yet. She grasped it quickly then looking back into the fireplace, as to make sure nothing else surprising was to happen. She studied it for a moment in wonder. What was the P. P. I. E. W. A. ? That's what the return address said and that was it… hmmm….

Flipping in over, her fingers trembled as they traced the seal. She took a deep breath and opened it in one swift motion, taking the piece of parchment from within and unfolding it.

font size 8 To Miss Mary Poppins,

The P. P. I. E. W. A. (Practically Perfect In Every Way Administration) would like to welcome you to join us as you show signs of being eligible for enrollment. The P. P. I. E. W. A. is a group of magical misses whom are stationed with families in desperate need of help and guidance around the world. It is these magical misses whom are to restore these families. The P. P. I. E. W. A. will coach and guide you into becoming Practically Perfect In Everyway. You will go through at least three years or more of training before you are permitted to go out on assignment. If you accept this invitation you will need to take hold an umbrella and simply stand on the front of your porch with it open on the date of May 1st. The P. P. I. E. W. A. would like to congratulate you and with hopes of seeing you very soon.

The P. P. I. E. W. A./font size

Her eyes flew across the letters, going as fast as her heart was pounding. She read it through twice to make sure that she understood and didn't miss anything. There was a booklet inside the envelope too. She didn't know whether to be excited or – or something else. She didn't know, she couldn't think straight…finally some sort of explanation to all of this. She didn't want to live with these powers but if she had them she should do what they were meant for, right? That's what Burt told her to do. Wait – Burt. She couldn't leave him but she couldn't live here with him with these … powers either! But she loved Burt, she didn't know if she could live without him. But this was her final chance to be somewhere that she was meant to be. She would belong there! She would be with people like her…she couldn't pass that up. Not now. But…

/iSnap!i

She ducked as the sweater on her chair came flying at her. "Gee, Mary! Watcha throw'n your sweaters at me?" She spun around to see Burt standing in her doorway. Her stomach dropped and she felt as though she was going to be sick. The abdominal knot was tightening and she took a few steady breaths as he walked over and kissed her on the cheek.

His brow knitted together. "Mary, what's wrong," he asked studying her clammy expression. She forced a smile and said that it was just a bad headache. She would tell him later… she needed time to think about this. Time…/i


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

"Good bye, Uncle," she waved goodbye and closed the door behind her. It gave her somewhat of a comforting feeling to see her uncle Albert, at first. To recap it all for him was nice but it only to left her feeling hollow. Only one more thing precious and dear to heart that she had given up for no reason.

She wouldn't think about that…she couldn't let herself. Her assignment was the only thing she had to hang onto now, she wouldn't mess it up any farther. She would focus on something else…

She turned the corner and stepped back. Her heart skipped a beat and her arms felt like lead but she stayed even with him. "Hello, Burt." He looked different, something about the way he looked at her. He seemed almost happy to have run into her, at least he was smiling.

"Hello, Mary." She gave him a poor excuse for a quick smile and was ready to dart.

"Well, if you'll excuse me-"

"Where're the children," he interrupted noting that they were not with her but in all actuality used it as an excuse to get a better look at her. She looked tired, as if she'd been in deep thought for days and now she was suffering from mental exhaustion. She looked at him slightly suspicious.

"It's my day off…"

"Good," she raised an eyebrow at him. "It's just that – Mary…could we talk?"

She put her hand to her forehead and sighed. "Burt, there really isn't anything to talk about as far as I'm concerned and shouldn't you be getting home to – to your…" she closed her eyes biting the word back as he stomach turned again.

"Pricilla's not home," he said watching her with wide and honest eyes.

Pricilla. That was her name. He was marrying a Pricilla. She opened her eyes again and painted a pained smile on her face. Pretending not to have heard him she said, "Well, it was nice seeing you again, Burt but-"

"Please," he interrupted once more. "Just … just for a minute… please."

Her smile faded when she saw the plead in his eyes. What could he possibly need to discuss? There was nothing to talk about and it only made her feel like screaming out of pure hatred of her choices when she was with him. The fact that this would inevitably lead to sever damage seemed to have no impact on this choice however, and she nodded, all the while knowing that it would probably lead to the destruction of any self-confidence/ reassurance she had left in her, if any. The world, once again damned by curiosity and all of the baggage it refuses to leave the safety of its home with in us - shallow or deep - without.. "…Alright."

iThe clouds were gray and the rain hit down hard. The day looked and was dismal to the highest extreme. She thrust the letter into his hands as she snapped the rest of her belongings back into her suitcase, where the booklet of rules and conditions was left forgotten. It was May 1st. She'd made up her mind. She watched him read it, over and over again, the lump in her throat building up with every second that passed. She saw his hands tremble and his eyes swim as he looked back up at her.

"So that's it? You're just gunna leave!"

Her voice broke. "Burt! I have too." Did he think this was easy for her? Leaving him behind like this? He was her only friend, he was more than that. She'd pictured their life together so many times but just couldn't keep living in that fantasy anymore. She was different and that was that. She was living in a world she didn't belong in and couldn't stand it but she couldn't stand to leave him either. "I don't belong here. You and I both know that…" They would never have a normal life, unless she did this.

She couldn't look at him as the stream of tears escaped from her eyes. As much as it hurt…it was her only option. Her mouth felt like sandpaper and her eyes stung. She wanted to have him hold her and never face the world again…but she couldn't. He looked at the letter again. "Mary, it doesn't say you have to go! Y-you can't just leave me! I…I though we loved each other…I guess I was wrong"

That hit her hard. Did he honestly think that she didn't love him? From the moment they met she loved him! He was the only one who'd made her happy, who'd seen past what others couldn't. Why was he making this so difficult? She would be back, one day. It may be a while but one day she would come back, normal. She would be fine. They would be fine "Burt, do you really think this is what I want! To leave my life, our life, behind…I don't. How could you think that?"

His eyes looked desperate. They looked for some way of escaping this, some way to her stay, here…with him. "Mary, please, just don't – just don't go. Please! Wha – What…what if it goes away! How'dya know that it's not just gunna go away?"

"Things that just go away don't call for letters such as the one you're holding," she said dismally. If she didn't go, this thing would stay with her forever, it said so in that booklet. She would, they would, live in fear of her being discovered. She couldn't dare risk that.

"There's gotta be some other way! Wait –" He took her hand and got down on his knee. No…no it wouldn't come to this. His eyes pled with her. She was the one true good thing in his life. He didn't know if he could go on living each day without her. "Mary Poppins, will you marry me?"

She bit her lip and closed her eyes, trying to fight back a sob. Why was he making this so difficult on them? Why couldn't he just accept the fact that she had to leave or this thing wouldn't go away? It would haunt them for the rest of their lives. They wouldn't have children. "Burt, I can't do that! I – I can't."

"Why not?"

"Because!"

"Because why?"

Her eyes got colder and the tears stopped. He shouldn't be making this so hard on them. He should just accept it, he had to. She couldn't take it. It was what she had to do. For her and for them. It was a sacrifice that she had to make for the better. "Because," she looked him dead on, "I have to go."/i

"Burt, please don't bring that up…" she asked him mournfully. They were back at his house. It was nice, small, cozy…everything she had ever wanted for them. On the late nights, when she allowed her mind to wonder off on its own, she had seen it, their life together. A small, little house that had just the space they needed. For the two of them and their little child.

"Why Mary? Just tell me, why'd you do it, was I not enough for you? I'm sorry, it's just – it's just that seeing you…it brings back so many memories and I -"

"That's all they'll ever be now, is memories…" He was getting married now. They could never have the little house in her dreams. They could never be anything. Friends. But they had been so much more than that. It tore her apart every time she thought about him marrying another woman. I should have been her. She had been correcting herself ever since she had to know the devastating news but she had nothing to lose. It should have been her, the statement had been repeated within her so many times that it became sheer and utterly meaningless. "It's going to be okay." At the end of the day the statement is worth not a penny for the mere fact that whether or not the person saying it truly believes that in the end it will, in fact, "be okay" they say it anyway. We say it because when we are at our lowest and our worst nightmares are slowing creeping upon us, we need something to convince ourselves that there is hope, whether or not such a thing even exist. It should have been her, she didn't know whether or not it was true or if she could even believe it, if she could believe anything but did that stop her from convincing herself? No, for it brought along a miniscule amount of hope that if fate truly exist and destiny is the dotted line of a treasure map, then God would be merciful and spare her of not finding the X. It should have been her.

"But Mary…I still love you –"

Most people would see the person that you would do anything for saying that they loved you, as a good thing. Then again, ladies and gents, Mary Poppins, is most certainly not most people so this very rule does not exactly apply to her. Keep that in mind. His words only hurt, an emotion and physical pain that she had become quite acquainted with. You could say they were the best of friends, the worst of enemies, whether or not a difference existed, she didn't know. She almost didn't recognize her voice…it came out in a horse whisper. "Then why are you getting married?"

"Because…you left me, Mary, you left. If you left you must not have loved me that much…and am I supposed to-"

Oh God! Why did he always think that! She loved him more than anything! She did this for him, for her, for them. It was supposed to be for them. It killed her that he didn't know that. "Burt, I've always loved you, I never stopped!" Tears were running down her cheeks now. All she wanted to do was feel it again, feel what they'd once had. It was itching in her. Partly because she longed for the comfort of knowing that she could feel, partly because of the look in his eyes. She wanted everything else to go away. "I left that day for us."

"What'dya mean?"

He saw her turn and look at him, tears streaming from her once bright blue eyes. "-Burt…if I hadn't gone," she started, choosing her words with care. "If I hadn't gone, these powers would have never gone away…I-I didn't want to put that burden on you. If we had children –" she looked away for a moment but then back at him. "They would have had it too…I couldn't do that, not to them." she said, the sob that she had been fighting back now, working its way to the surface.

He moved closer to her on the couch and put his arms around her. "Why didn't you ever tell me," he asked too soft for her to really hear at all.

"And – and we both wanted them so badly and I couldn't do it…I thought that maybe once I came back –"

"What?"

She sat up a little and looked at him, wiping her eyes with the back of her hand. "Once I came back," she repeated when he still looked puzzled.

"You mean, you were comin' back?"

"Of course." There was a moment where time stood still, everything seemed to stop. Her eyes were filled with honesty, his with regret for the decisions he'd made without knowing. This entire time…he thought…he didn't know. Barely three inches apart, she studied his reaction, her eyes puffy and red. "I thought…I don't know what I thought…" she told him honestly. He didn't know what she thought either but she was planning on coming back…it boggled his mind. He never considered that possibility. It changed everything.

"Mary, do you still love me," he asked her.

Her breath came out unsteady as she tried to answer his question honestly. "I-I'm…not allowed…anymore," she told him, looking down so he couldn't see or hear her voice and eyes flowing with pain. She wasn't allowed anymore, saying aloud, only made it that much more real. He was engaged, she wasn't finished with her term…they weren't allowed anymore. It hurt to watch someone you love, love someone else but to not be able to love someone… someone that you've loved your entire life… it hurt. Not only that, it just made her want it that much more, it made her miss the feeling of his arms around her, the feeling of his lips on hers, everything, knowing that she could never be allowed to feel it again.

He saw and felt her anguish. He didn't want to feel it though, everything in him told him not to feel it. He felt what they had was still strong…nothing should stop it.

She felt him near even closer and her chest felt heavy as lead and her head felt foggy as her breath hastened. "What's stopping you," he asked, his voice far off and eyes closed, lips barely distanced from hers. It was too late to get out of whatever they were in, they were both lost in some insane time warp. She felt a tingling sensation in her stomach and her eyes felt heavy. Where was her mind at times like these?

"Everything-" she barley said above a whisper before he closed the distance between them. She didn't resist it.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

Swoosh!

Damn. Instantly as she stepped through the door, the ominous letter sat in her fireplace. Her mind was still scattered in every which way. Bitter sweet. Those few moments were pure bliss, euphoria didn't begin to describe it and yet neither did devastation… Another year. Another year to wait, to suffer, to learn, to wish, to dream. Bitter sweet. Maybe those few moments where time stood still could last a, what was now to be, four more years. Just maybe.

She didn't need to open the letter to know exactly what its text consisted of but did that stop her? No. She walked through what seemed to be the fog of her thoughts over to where the letter simply dared her to pick it up. She took it up on its offer.

ITo Miss Mary Poppins,

The P.P.I.E.W.A. unfortunately would like inform you that you are being taken off the assignment as you have made it extremely clear that you have become emotionally involved. You will have to, as we are sure you know, go through another year's training before you may return to completing your three years term of service before you leave us. The wind will change tomorrow and you will return to us for the said training. Ha ha ha. Sucks for you.

The P.P.I.E.W.A./I

Of course, that last bit wasn't ACTUALLY there but she imagined that it was.

Even though she had seen it coming, her heart sank drastically. It was final, she was going back. It would be just that much longer before she would see him again. She turned around to face her empty room. It just screamed "I told you so.' But the thing about inanimate objects screaming at you was that you could scream back all you wanted and all you would get in return would be the strange looks from onlookers and the satisfaction you were looking for, never came. Yes, she was tempted to scream back but thought better of it for the reason just mentioned above. There was neither a use nor a point for the screaming so for a moment she stood still, quiet, motionless.

What now? She felt as if she were lost or as if she had come into a room with a specific purpose but now that she was there she couldn't remember what she had come for. So she slowly walked over to her carpetbag in the corner and as if in slow motion she picked it up and set it on her bed. No emotion ran through her body now. Everything had been used and there was no reason to feel or to think. Feeling and thinking only drained her that much more…so she just stopped, walked over to her lamp with the bright, sparkling colors and put it in the bag. And that was that.

Knock. Knock. Knock.

"Burt?" A head pocked through the front door and its mouth curved into a bright smile…that slowly faded out. He hadn't moved since she'd left. He hadn't tried. In that instant he knew, there was no doubt about that. But what now? Why did he even ask himself that, he knew what now. He knew exactly what now but how?

It had to be done but he didn't know if he could find it in him to do it. He would just have find a way somehow because it be fair to her. He turned his head so he could see her puzzled frame standing in the doorway. "Pricilla…"

Her brow knit together, what was wrong with him? He was so distant with her lately and she couldn't figure it out for the life of her. "What is it?"

"Pricilla, we need to talk," he told her bluntly as she came in and closed the door behind her. She stood frozen there, facing the door with her hand on the knob and her back to him.

"About what?"

"About us…"

She turned around with sad eyes. That's why. She didn't need him to continue the conversation to know what was to come. Did she stop him, though? No…no she didn't.

"Pricilla…you know that I care about you, right?"

She felt her throat tighten and barely got out a "Yes."

"And you know that I want to be able to take care of you, right?" She nodded a grave nod. She saw the sadness in his eyes for what he was about to say. All of the things above were true, she knew that. She also knew that something was to come that she didn't want to hear. Her eyes began to fill with tears when he continued. "But I – I can't give you what you want," he told her dismally.

"But Burt…all I want is you," she said through the raining moister from her tear ducts.

He wished that he could make them stop, he wished he could take away her pain, he wished what he was about to say was a lie but it wasn't, it was true. "That's just it…you can't have me…"

"Wa-what…?" she asked far to softly for him to have heard so he continued.

"And you deserve someone that you can have, not someone that you can only have pieces of. I'm sorry."

Knock. Knock. Knock.

He got up from the kitchen table wondering who it was. It had been tough saying goodbye to Pricilla because she had been a big part of his life but his heart lay elsewhere and he could force the both of them to live that lie. It would have been wrong for him to marry her when his heart belonged to someone else, a much bigger part of his life.

He opened the door and a wiry smile appeared on his face. "Why hello there, Mary Poppins…" But his smile slowly disappeared when he took a closer look. She was wearing her traveling coat and carrying her carpetbag and umbrella.

She gave him a weak smile. "Hello Burt." He opened the door for her to enter and she did, just a few steps. Oh boy, this was it. Goodbye yet again. She only prayed that the events following this one wouldn't result in the same way. Given their track record, she almost considered not coming but realized that would only screw things up ten times more. She inhaled deeply as she looked into his wondering eyes. "Burt… I have to go."

And then there was silence. A thoughtful, working, anticipating silence where he looked at her and she looked at him. He breathed. She breathed. He thought. She thought. And then, "Will you be back?"

"Yes," she answered immediately.

And then there was yet another silence. This time a comfortable silence, a silence of knowing, a silence of Goodbye. "Okay."

Okay?…She'd take it. She gave him a grateful smile as to say "Thank You." Thank you for making this as simple as it seemed. She handed him the letter she'd received.

"It says there how long-"

He held up his hand and she stopped. "Are you coming back," he asked her again.

"…Yes," she told him again.

"I'll be waiting." It was amazing to think that they could have had it all but even more so to think that they still could.

THE END LOVES 3


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